1. Go to deli on your way back to the office from the gym. Purchase a big salad with shrimp, feta, cherry tomatoes and a light vinaigrette.
2. En route to office, decide that even though you've just come from the gym, and the motto for the afternoon is "no junk food for you!," decide that you really, really, really want a Cadbury Crunchie, those sublime 1"x 1"x 7" bricks of honeycomb toffee covered in milk chocolate. Buy your Crunchie at the deli and drop it into the bag with your salad.
3. Sit down at your desk. Discover that you have managed to maneuver the lid off your salad, and light vinaigrette has leaked out all over the bag, saturating the bag, your plastic cutlery, all of your napkins and your Crunchie bar. Swear.
4. Grab a handful of tissues and begin wiping off puddles of vinaigrette off of everything. Pick up the Crunchie and begin swabbing it with tissues. Succeed only in flinging vinaigrette onto your shirt. Swear.
5. Dab your shirt with more tissues. Renew your attack on the Crunchie, only to fling more salad dressing onto your shirt, as well as on your dry-clean-only black pinstripe trousers. Panic. Swear.
6. Repeat Step 5 twice.
7. In desperation, realize that wiping oil and vinegar off a Mylar wrapper is completely futile, and realize there is only one way to clean the damn thing off. Slide the entire Crunchie into your mouth, suck the dressing off, and pull Crunchie from mouth.
8. At the exact moment that you are executing Step 7, turn around just as the president of your division, a supremely-polished-in-a-corporate-Judy-Woodruff-way, no-nonsense woman, is leading a tour of VIPs through your office, announcing, "And this is our Luxury Packaging Sales Division..."
9. Turn around again, very, very quickly. Wonder just how badly busted you are. Realize that if you apologize to the prez, you run the risk of making the situation worse, a la George Costanza on Seinfeld, and you should just cut your losses. Wonder if there's a chance that you saved yourself just in the nick of time, or if you really have just been caught fellating a wrapped Crunchie bar in front of a bunch of bigs. Look down and realize that your shirt is still full of salad dressing in the general breastal area.
10. Wonder if that hushpuppy frycook position at Ozark Mountain Kitchens is still open.