Nestled into this interesting and whimsical roundup of Thanksgiving Takeout and Convenience Foods for the Easily Exhausted, which was written by Sandy Thorn Clark and which ran in Monday's Chicago Sun-Times, is this jewel of food Dadaism:
Though supermarkets like Dominick's, Jewel-Osco and Moo & Oink offer oven roasted and/or smoked turkeys for those counting minutes rather than dollars, consumers who prefer frozen turkeys have a less time-consuming option: Jennie-O Turkey Store Oven Ready Turkey, a mind-boggling frozen turkey (minus the messiness of the neck, gizzards or giblets) that goes directly to the oven without defrosting.
In response to a Gallup poll in which 48 percent of new entertainers and 20 percent of seasoned entertainers said whole turkeys are difficult to prepare, messy, time-consuming and intimidating, Jennie-O created an oven roasting bag that requires only six tiny slits before the turkey is roasted at 350 degrees for about four hours depending on size. Whole turkeys weigh 11 to 13 or 17 to 19 pounds; half turkeys weigh 5 to 7 pounds.
Do I even want to know what sort of Better Living Through Chemistry was required to bring us a freezer-to-oven turkey? Or am I just too easily horrified? Be honest, dear friends. Considering that I am more than a little depressed by the thought of the sous-chef at Fox & Obel finding it necessary to give suggestions like "sprinkle pumpkin seeds on our pumpkin soup! put our deli salads in beautiful bowls!," I am more than willing to consider that it might just be me.