Thursday, February 03, 2005
1. Go to deli on your way back to the office from the gym. Purchase a big salad with shrimp, feta, cherry tomatoes and a light vinaigrette.
2. En route to office, decide that even though you've just come from the gym, and the motto for the afternoon is "no junk food for you!," decide that you really, really, really want a Cadbury Crunchie, those sublime 1"x 1"x 7" bricks of honeycomb toffee covered in milk chocolate. Buy your Crunchie at the deli and drop it into the bag with your salad.
3. Sit down at your desk. Discover that you have managed to maneuver the lid off your salad, and light vinaigrette has leaked out all over the bag, saturating the bag, your plastic cutlery, all of your napkins and your Crunchie bar. Swear.
4. Grab a handful of tissues and begin wiping off puddles of vinaigrette off of everything. Pick up the Crunchie and begin swabbing it with tissues. Succeed only in flinging vinaigrette onto your shirt. Swear.
5. Dab your shirt with more tissues. Renew your attack on the Crunchie, only to fling more salad dressing onto your shirt, as well as on your dry-clean-only black pinstripe trousers. Panic. Swear.
6. Repeat Step 5 twice.
7. In desperation, realize that wiping oil and vinegar off a Mylar wrapper is completely futile, and realize there is only one way to clean the damn thing off. Slide the entire Crunchie into your mouth, suck the dressing off, and pull Crunchie from mouth.
8. At the exact moment that you are executing Step 7, turn around just as the president of your division, a supremely-polished-in-a-corporate-Judy-Woodruff-way, no-nonsense woman, is leading a tour of VIPs through your office, announcing, "And this is our Luxury Packaging Sales Division..."
9. Turn around again, very, very quickly. Wonder just how badly busted you are. Realize that if you apologize to the prez, you run the risk of making the situation worse, a la George Costanza on Seinfeld, and you should just cut your losses. Wonder if there's a chance that you saved yourself just in the nick of time, or if you really have just been caught fellating a wrapped Crunchie bar in front of a bunch of bigs. Look down and realize that your shirt is still full of salad dressing in the general breastal area.
10. Wonder if that hushpuppy frycook position at Ozark Mountain Kitchens is still open.
Fer shure, it still is open, but you don’t qualify...you still have all your own teeths 
Bwaaahaaahaaa! Thank you for a much-needed laugh after an evening of pitched battle with the computer. I’m sorry that it all happened, but I do appreciate that you salvaged what you could by sharing and giving me the gut giggles 5,000 miles away. Especially the line about “fellating a wrapped Crunchie bar in front of a bunch of bigs”. Bwaaahaaahaa!
(I really feel like I should have typed “Oh, bless!”, like people say here all the time, but I just couldn’t leave it at that. Sorry, Ms. Bakerina.
..."General breastal area”....ha ha!!!!
Good one.
A.
Ouch. I think I just hurt something internal.
If she’s really good, I can see her continuing:
“This is our luxury packaging division.” “As you can see, we treat our luxury packaging very very well.” “Should you sign a large contract with us, you can rest assured that your… package… will be treated with this level of care and attention.”
Haahaahaahaa!!! Oh my, Jen, that was almost as good as a workout at the gym. Heehee...hee...heh “Caught fellating a wrapped Crunchie bar” Bwahaahaahaa! *Must* hahaahaahaa! *stop* hahaha! “General breastal area” Bwahaahaaahaaaa!
You needed a good topic to follow ‘mouse’s “fragrant meat” post? The universe will always provide…
Hahahahaha! I needed a good laugh this evening and your account was so amusing that I only feel the slightest tinge of guilt that my laugh was at your expense. Let’s hope your unorthodox treat salvaging methods went unobserved…
Oh dear.
*hee hee*
It’s exactly the sort of thing that would happen to me, I can tell ya. No wonder I work at home.
jeez, you guys &
.
it’s the original off-the-cuff stuff like this that makes me smile allover. honestly, i’m sure that if ‘they’ were looking, they were far to enraptured by your beautiful blue eyes to see any further. it’s not a sin to be caught being human. i’m certain of it.
Laughing merrily as I hold on to my heaving breastals.
Bakerina Jen, the cuisine trend setter for the World Wide Web, in this one fell swoop of a post you have created the stylish rage for dipping British chocolate bars into lite vinaigrette.
Being virtuous always costs…
Sacred Excrement.
It’s a good thing I didn’t have a mouth full of coffee, because Old Mr. Monitor would be wearing it. As it is, I’ll have to dig out the embedded bits of poppyseed, sesame seed, and salt, remnants of my Morning Mini-Bagel that were sandblasted into the monitor surface at the speed of sound. “Spit Take” Elisson, dat’s me.
Now I’m waiting for the inevitable reaction from a jealous Lloyd:
“Get your Cadbury Crunchie bar to cook dinner for ya!”
I. Am. Dying.
Seriously. Good think I am surrounded by empty cubes this morning, because I cannot stop laughing.
“fellating a wrapped crunchie bar” - hey, at least it was wrapped!
Well...at least you weren’t picking your nose simultaneously. That’s about the only way it could have been worse. Poor lamb.
Overcome by spontaneous random guffaws and cackles all morning since reading your great post. Thanks.
no matter how bad it was Bakerina, that story ends with chocolate in your mouth --- how bad can it be?
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Fer shure, it still is open, but you don’t qualify...you still have all your own teeths