as your guest bloggist, i’m the one who can tell you all the things bakerina would just as soon never have leave her kitchen… yep, i’ve got the skinny from that shameful secret garden, the fyi from the forbidden city, the hey get this of her hidden playground, manna de mananya from the mellifluous magic kingdom, the one, the only, hot off the press newsy tidbits from the tasty totalitarian state too sated to yearn even for freedom, yes, here now, the inside dope from the unseen uxoriousity, bakerina‘s kitchen...
got mayo?
your bakerina relies on kraft mayonnaise, and lots of it. gobs and gobs. in a pinch, substitute
* sauce bearnaise = kraft mayonnaise plus yellow #2 food coloring
* creme brulaise = kraft mayonnaise plus yellow #2 and red #7 food coloring
* sauce florentine = kraft mayonnaise plus green windex ‘spring fresh scent’
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seafood in a jiffy
a little-known trick of the trade: since it all tastes the same, what the hell does it matter what you serve them? you can stick ‘em for $40 and call it a deep-sea tuna steak, but put away your scuba mask, captain, your bakerina‘s subbing none other than…
* alpo for cats ‘mixed fish, in gravy’
* store-brand ‘tuna for cats’ (but watch out for excessive cartilage)
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cooking with wine
there’s one implement in the bakerina kitchen, one and one only… a good corkscrew. even if you’re drinking mad dog 20/20 from an e-z twist-off top bottle, a corkscrew like this one will provide for infinite hours of pleasure as you slump to the dirty linoleum floor and your guests start to wail, oh, bakerina, not again! just look at how the accordion arms open… and close… and open… and close. how does it do that? what thfuck is burrnin? its’s so funny. whoops, now it’s opened, and now, lemmmee guess, it’s closing, oww, this thing’s sharp… somebody get lloyd, he’ll know what to do… yep, she’s been hitting the sauce again… christ, there’s mayonnaise all over the place!